I wish…

I wish for you to be loved by the perfect man. You know who I am talking about..
The man who is handsome, tall, and has a great career. The man who is kind to your friends, the man that opens the door for you, the one that remembers anything you say, the one who buys you diamond earrings for Valentine’s day when you even forgot what day it was! The man that looks at you and tells you that you are beautiful, the one that let’s you vent for one hour when you had a bad day and that whisks you off to a foreign land for a romantic weekend “just ’cause”. The man that is so nice to any human being walking on this earth that everyone thinks he could never do any wrong.
And I wish for this same man to be jealous. To be so insecure to question your every move even if you have never given him any reason to mistrust you. I wish for him to be nagging and paranoid, for him to say things like “you are going to a party with guys” (duh!!!). I wish for him to be so defensive that anything you bring up turns into an argument, to the point where you know you simply cannot bring up a topic with him because your words will be twisted and used against you. I wish you to be loved by the kind if man that complains if you want to go to a party, that demands your undivided attention. The kind of loving man that checks your phone and uses every innocent text you sent against you if it was addressed to a man.

Why? Because one day you’ll be that man. One day you’ll be someone’s “perfect in paper/everyone adores you”-someone, but you’ll be a crappy match. Because one day you’ll love someone so much to the point of adoration but you’ll be suffocating him with your insecurities. Because one day that person will walk out if your life EVEN if you are perfect… Because he was simply pulling the worst out of you. Because despite you’ll think he was your soulmate, you were suffocating him with your insecurities. Which were most likely founded… What’s the point in sugar coating this?

So let him go! Just let him go!

You were perfect… You are perfect.
But together, you are a bad match. He brings out the suffocating controlling crazy part of you… And there is nothing you can do about it.

The issue it’s not who you are, but who you become with him… And there us nothing you can do.

I wish you to be loved by that version of you so one day you’ll understand that sometimes people will walk out of your life even if you are a splendid human being… It has nothing to do with you.

Two people can be perfect standalone… But sometimes their union brings out the worst in them.

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Merry Christmas… Is it that hard?

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Christmas is officially over, at least on my side of the globe.

I will not sugar-coat it. It has been a rather uneventful Christmas with me being rather grumpy and hence generally less tolerant of my family members behaviours… like the way my aunt and cousins are between 1 and 2 hours late for every meal (I am not exaggerating!), the way the creepy boyfriend of my aunt looks at me, or the endless remarks about what I do and do not eat from my whole family (I am endlessly skinny according to them).

However, the weeks leading on to Christmas were absolutely lovely. I got to spend a fun-filled weekend skiing with some old college friends, I managed to attend one of my best friend’s birthday party in another country (which I could have never done were I still employed… Silver lining?) and spent some days skiing with a very special man. I still feel it is too early to talk about him… Us… This. Sometimes I feel the “it’s complicated” Facebook relationship status was created for us. Nevertheless, suffice to say that I have been happy. There have been a few moments of true and sincere happiness with him. It’s not perfect, but it feels right.

All this preamble to say that I feel I am a horrible human being for even having shed one tear over Ex tonight. I was not expecting for him to wish me Merry Christmas and I didn’t even think for a second of texting him. Disappointed is not the right word to describe how I feel now. I guess I am more angry than anything. How can someone that up to 4 months ago was looking at me in the eyes saying he loved me not even wish me Merry Christmas? How can you share your life with another human being for one whole year and then not even do something so basic as sending a “courtesy text”? I have practically spammed my whole contacts list with holidays wishes today… It doesn’t mean I “love” them, it doesn’t mean I have romantic feelings.. It’s just pure common courtesy.

When midnight stroke I started wondering what I had done of so horrible to not even deserve a text… How could I have meant so little that I wasn’t even worthy of the “good neighbours courtesy” Ex used to grant to anyone? I started crying, until I realized that I am doing the same mistake all over again. His actions, or lack of them as in this case, do NOT say anything about me or my worth. They ONLY reflect the person HE IS.

I am no saint, I am not perfect and I am sure I have my fair share of responsability for the end of our relationship. But I know that I am a kind, compassionate and loving person… He is not.

Granted, he could be saying the same thing about me, this whole thing may as we’ll be true from his point of view. I did not text him either.

But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I still have not forgiven him for all he has done to me, for how he has treated me, for how he has pushed me to the limit, for his coward behaviour when he hoped I would breakup with him, for the second cancelled holiday, for not keeping his promises, for disappearing on me as if I never existed. I could not wish him a Merry Christmas because I am not ready to wish anything good to him. It’s a vicious circle: I cannot open my heart to forgiveness until he apologises. But I know he won’t reach out until I open the dialogue with him because he is too coward and ashamed of how he behaved with me.

Anyway, thsi all to say that it is important to remind ourselves that whatever someone does is only an indication of who THEY ARE.

Merry Christmas to all of you… You have been a true support through these months!

The ghost of Ex-boyfriend past

Here is a weird thing: even though I feel slightly more balanced, more “whole”, lately, even though I can honestly say that I wouldn’t take Ex back even if he begged me, even though I have cut him out of my life completely… It has been a couple of weeks now that I keep on dreaming of him. Why?!?!?!?!

There is nothing romantic about my dreams… They are for most parts just plain odd. And it’s not even anything complicated; nope. I just feel I randomly get (or I should probably say “make up”) a piece of information about him every night and I generally wake up (agitated!!) as soon as it happens.

Take today for example. It’s freaking 3am here!!! I should be soundly in the arms of Morpheus, yet I woke up abruptly because I dreamt of one of my best friend telling me that Ex had joined one of the companies I am in advanced talks with for a job. In the dream my reaction was to scream at my friend “why did you tell me this?!?! Why????!!!!!!!! No one is allowed to talk about him around me unless it is to inform me that he left this planet or gained 50Kg!!”; it was followed, obviously, by shear panic (“what do I do now? Do I accept the job?!?!” – job that I was not even offered yet, just to make this all a bit more coo coo) until I woke up in a state of vague confusion.

And this has been going on for a while: the other night I dreamt that he had resigned, then that he was going to South Africa on holidays, before that that his father had passed away (geeee) … You get the idea.

Why is my brain building a whole imaginary life for him feeding it to me one tiny bit of info at a time?
With some minor exception, lately I rarely have any real reminder of him during the day… So, even assuming my brain was playing “connect the dots”, what the hell is it connecting? Am I the only one this has ever happened? Because I am pretty sure it never happened to me before… How odd.

On a separate note, and this is so petty of me, I thought I’d share a tiny success with you all. I finally brought myself to download this summer’s pictures that had been sitting in my camera for a few months now. And no, it didn’t take me this long because I didn’t know how to do it as MrM suggested!
This is a big deal because on that SIM card there were the pictures of the last wedding Ex and I attended together. I mostly deleted all of them without even hovering over the small icon that was displaying on my PC, though I quickly looked at a couple at thought to myself “he is not even as good looking as you want to continue to remember”… Petty, I told you.

The love we accept

I am angry at myself. I am angry because any time someone treats me with kindness, care and love I start crying. I start crying because I hate myself, because I am furious for having let Ex treat me with disrespect, for having tried to patch things up and having invested my emotions in someone that didn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated. How did I let that happen? How does anyone let something like that happen?

I visited my ex-husband over the weekend. He lives in the city where I attended university, so we had a weekend full of friends, food, walks… simply lovely. I needed to recharge my batteries and he knew it. He was there, he was there to take care of me. He is one of those people that goes above and beyond to make sure you understand how much he cares about you; granted, he is a genuinely nice person with everyone, but with me… he goes the extra mile. He had stocked the fridge with my favourite cake, took me to eat the best pizza in town (I have a soft spot for that), arranged a dinner with 12 other people to make sure I had fun, sat through a brunch with me and a girlfriend of mine because he knew I missed her and wanted to see her.

And every time he was nice to me, I started crying. I couldn’t understand my reaction at first. It took me a few days to understand that I was angry.

The funny thing is that over the past nights I didn’t stop dreaming of Ex; but not in a nice “I miss you”-way. I was having nightmares every single time. I would wake up in the middle of the night agitated and panicky because I would dream of just another time in which he’d let me down. He wouldn’t show up when he said he would, he would dismiss me when I was trying to talk to him, he would disregard my feelings. Isn’t this all absurd?

Last night over dinner with S I told her that, even after 4 months, I cannot shake off that feeling of rejection, of not being good enough (and the recent dismissal at work brought up all those raw feelings again). She stared at me and said “Your ex-husband loves you, look how much he does for you. Your friends love you too. Everyone is trying to help you now, people are coming together to support you. The way Ex treated you is a reflection of who he is, not of your worth. He doesn’t know what he wants, he hasn’t figured out himself yet. It has nothing to do with you, because the rest of the world shows you that you are lovable”.

But is it really true? Is it possible that Ex was just incapable of not being selfish and self-centred and that it had nothing to do with me? I cannot stop thinking that, for the right (read “blonde, artistry and socially-connected”) person, people make an effort. Or am I completely mistaken and it is always a matter of perspectives, as S says?

I can’t believe I am still torturing myself with this after 4 months… this is getting pathetic.

I need to learn to focus on the people that really love me cutting off anyone that just makes me feel worse about myself. Easier said than done, I know. But I’ll get there.

It’s only another “breakup”

I lost my job last week. I suppose it is the embedded nature of the industry I am in, you factor this possibility in the moment you sign your contract; people are made redundant and sent home in my business on a daily basis, often hundreds of them at a time. It has happened to several friends of mine, to old colleagues, to acquaintances. Though, for some strange reason, one always feels it cannot happen to them.

But it happened.

It was surreal, I didn’t have any reaction for hours; I think that’s how long it took for everything to sink in. And the fact that I am still relatively calm and rational after a week makes me start wondering if I may be a sociopath!!

My biggest fear when picturing a similar scenario was that I’d start crying… And considering how emotional I had been lately and the fact that I was going through my pre-cycle hormonal storm the day of the “work breakup”, I still cannot believe I didn’t start sobbing as HR informed me that my position “no longer existed”.

Ah, the joys of breaking up and feeling rejected… Once again!

But this time I faced it chin up, as any mature woman would! I called my ex-husband who is still my best friend in the whole universe, popped in a cab, picked him up from work and went straight to my place. Once there he made sure to stuff me with pizza, Nutella waffles and endless wine till I couldn’t even remember what had happened! The mature way to handle a crisis 🙂

He is an angel… He called my mum (I am scared if her, did I ever mention that?!) to tell her what had happened, and kept me company throughout the night anytime I was waking up out of panic, even though he still had a job he had to go to at 7.30am!

I felt protected, I felt loved… I had forgotten how good it feels to be yourself, your vulnerable messy self, and to be loved no matter what.

For a second I had the temptation of feeling like a victim. The “why me… Again?!?” mantra was starting to kick in. But you know what? It sucks, it does . I wish it hadn’t happened to me, especially as nothing seems to be working in my life right now. But oh well, I’ll figure this one out as I did with everything else in my life.

Anyway, needless to say my dating life has been thrown on the backburner since it happened. I am still me, yet I feel less confident, less open… men pick up on this, oh if they do! All of a sudden, I feel invisible. I was hit on by an average of 3-4 men per day only two weeks ago, and now it’s like the “I am available” shining sign that was on my head has switched off. It’s not a big deal, I have other things to worry about right now (ie. finding a job!!), though it’s amazing to realize how true it is that a lot of what draws people to you at the beginning come from one own attitude.

Playing impossible to get

This is something I have been wondering for a while, and I feared I knew the answer. But this weekend, I had the confirmation… I am not playing hard to get… I overflew into the “impossible to get” territory!

I believe  my completely detached demeanour spells from two main issues: 1. On one side, I am truly very busy; I have a full social life, I have friends that I see regularly, interests and hobbies that I pursue and that leaves me with generally little time for anything else (read “dating”). And 2. I don’t trust men!

The latter is an interesting consideration: as far as I know, with the exception of one case, I have never been cheated on, I have never been betrayed, I have never had anyone pulling a disappearing act on me… nothing.
Yet, I realize, these are my biggest fears when meeting anyone new for the first time. I feel overwhelmed by the fear that they are playing me, that they are only after one thing, that they will disappear, that they are not genuinely and truly interested. So I put on a wall that is absolutely impenetrable.

I have never been obsessed with the future nor, to a certain extent, with the consequences of my, at least when it comes to dating. I always approached it as that… dating. But I realize that something has changed: I don’t wonder whether I’ll have a good time at dinner with that person anymore, or if it would be fun to spend some time with him… no! I wonder if I could marry him, have his babies and if he’ll ever cheat on me! … And, obviously, I hope to realize that within the first two dates! There is a strange sense of urgency lately: all of a sudden, the stakes seem higher; investing in the wrong relationship doesn’t mean only a possible heartbreak anymore; it means potentially missing out on the man of my life that, in the meantime, may settle down with someone else, it means I may be potentially missing out in having a family one day if I “waste” time with the wrong man… all of a sudden, any small decision seems to have HUGE repercussions!

This weekend Paolo told me “I don’t understand you. I tried, I am really crazy about you. I was showing you that I was willing to come your way, I’d go running with you at 6am, would cut out time to make plans with you, but you kept on saying “I don’t know what I want” and I got fed up… you were not interested and I don’t like feeling that I have to beg someone to be with me”.

He had a very valid point. I realized there and then that I am so scared of “picking the wrong man” that my attempts to assess someone’s real interest and long term potentials have turned into straight and plain rejections.
I am so scared of getting “wasting time” and getting hurt that I seek an unrealistic scenario. I am practically looking for someone to propose to me and promise me that I am the woman of his life before having even gone out with me on the first date!
And, in lack of that, I make these poor men jump through hoops and then wonder why they give up pursuing me. I spent the last weeks telling my girlfriends “obviously, he wasn’t very serious about me or so crazy as he professed given he gave up at the first hurdle”.. but is it really true? Is it reasonable to expect someone to keep on chasing me after I say, multiple times, “I don’t know what I want and I am definitely not interested in a relationship”?

Probably, making matters worse is also the fact that I am not honestly crazy about any of these men… probably I’d be more accommodative and flexible if I really liked someone. But this is a catch 22, you see? I am a slow burner: only once in my life I felt an immediate connection to someone (my ex-husband). Generally, it takes me time to like someone. I am more of a “mental” rather than a “physical” kind of person: I can develop an insane passion for someone if I am attracted to his personality (within reason, granted!)… but discovering one’s personality takes time and, nowadays, with Tinder/OkCupid/Match.com etc.. no one is willing to wait anymore. We live in such a fast paced universe where there is something newer and better every single day that my “strategy” is starting to feel anachronistic.

I need to fix this if I don’t want to risk scaring away people that I am genuinely interested in… how do you make sure someone understands you like them but you just need time to figure out if you like them enough to want to be in a relationship with them? And, is it unrealistic to expect that the man pursuing me has to put in all the work at the beginning? (hmmm.. maybe don’t answer this one)

Overthinking the Chef

Don’t you hate it when someone is seemingly good on paper but then there’s something you can’t quite put your finger on that says “nope, not for you!”???

I met my latest date, the Chef (before you start jumping up and down, no, he’s not a real chef.. just a banker with above average cooking skills 🙂 ), at the restaurant I usually go to during the week to grab my lunch. He works with a friend of mine (no stalker and/or murderer requirement, check!) and we may have exchanged an “acknowledgment-hi” a few weeks ago as he was talking to my friend. I randomly bumped into him at my gym a few days later and, after that chance encounter, he felt he had the green light to talk to me.

Our chats have been slowly escalating. They were fun, he has a good sense of humour.
One day he bet he was going to guess my favourite restaurant in London: he lost (surprising in a city with 5,000+ restaurant, huh?), so he had to take me out for dinner to his favourite restaurant. I am not proud of this, but the day before our supposed date I cancelled on him. It was the time I was juggling the Greek and the Aussie, and last thing I wanted was to add someone else to the confusion. So I bluntly told him “I am sorry, I don’t date”.

I was impressed that he continued to chat me after that, and never once pushed to go out again. Until this week, when he was back from a weekend in Italy with some friends of mine (including Paolo!!). I couldn’t resist his “I brought a lot of truffle back from Italy.. would you let me cook dinner for you (as friends!)?”, so last night I went to his place.

This is insane, I know. Sometimes I am probably too naïve… My girlfriends were laughing at me over dinner on Tuesday “are you out of your mind? Going to his flat? He’ll make a move on you, do you realize that?”. Ok, they had a (very fair!) point. However, I always thought of myself as a decent judge of characters: the Chef looked like a nice guy… besides, I was sure I had turned him off enough with all my “I don’t date”, “I don’t like people”, “I really really hate men” AND I found out I am pretty good at switching on my “don’t you dare getting close to me” vibe. So I jumped into an Uber and ventured south of the Thames.

Dinner was lovely. First of all, he is an AMAZING cook: he put my (admittedly poor) cooking skills to shame (note to self: never cook for him, ever!). And it wasn’t only a tasty dinner, it was also very well thought of: I could tell he had put a lot of effort into it. By the time I got to his place, the whole flat had an incredibly yummy smell (how long had he been cooking for?!). To top it all, he had bought my favourite desert (“you mentioned this is the only desert you can make, so I figured it was a safe bet, you would like it for sure”).

This was a huge upgrade vs the cured-meats-and-cheeses-“dinner” Ex had prepared for me once over an almost one year relationship.

So what’s the problem? I don’t know!!! We just didn’t click. I have no idea what the issue is, this is so frustrating. On paper, he should be a very good match: 3 years older than me, great career, same nationality, attractiv-ish (albeit shorter than the average guys I am generally attracted to), amazing cook, thoughtful, polite, sporty… yet there was something that just didn’t do it for me. I don’t know if it was due to it being our first date, but the conversation had some lulls and I felt I was the one sustaining it most of times. I also had the impression he was more interested in telling me his story than learning mine… which I could justify with the fact that he was maybe trying to impress me, though it all felt a bit “mechanic” and stiff.
Also, and I know I am knit picking here, I didn’t feel we had much in common… I am on the “intellectual/nerd-little-posh-princess” side of the human race spectrum while he, for however chivalrous, was on the “cool” side of it. He says he was the rebel of the school while growing up… I was the loser nerd unhealthy-skinny girl he would have probably bullied!! And the worst thing is that I am still some of that girl :s

Is he someone I could take to a theatre play or a ballet? Hmmm, no… he’d probably jump off a bridge. Could I see him bonding with my closest friends? Hmm, for some reasons I’d say no. Could he possibly understand my obsession with order and my fetish for excel spreadsheets? He’d probably have me interned into a mental health institution…

He asked me to play tennis and I want to give him another chance because maybe (just maybe!), I am being too analytically painful here… but when the rational side of us kicks in so strongly, doesn’t it simply mean that the spark is just not there?